Hell's Not Hot, It's Cold

Sometimes

2010-06-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

I just want them to start filming Arrested Development again. Is that too much to ask for?

311 Peppermill Concert Hall

2010-03-10T22:46:00.001-08:00

Happy 311 Day!

Big Hot Dog Infomercial

2010-03-01T22:48:00.001-08:00

This solves so many of my problems.

Cow Tipping

2010-02-26T20:04:00.001-08:00

This is why I buy Vitamin Water.

Rose Bowl 2010

2009-12-31T08:25:00.001-08:00

Look for us. And cheer for Oregon. Especially me and Jonny.

Vote for me

2009-12-28T10:34:00.001-08:00

Steve Nash is excellent. Watch it a few times to fully appreciate things.

Rocky Five

2009-12-15T21:22:00.000-08:00

At times, I wonder if having a hook for a hand would be easier. Yes, I have hairy arms and hands. Yes, the hair ends at my elbows in a cuff-like fashion and I don't really have a hairy chest or back. Sometimes I tell people I have to shave my palms to see if they get it. The night before we were married, the Redhead made me wax my knuckles so they would look normal. Trust me, hairless knuckles leading up to hairy hands and arms does not look normal.

I can also make a hair part on the side of my hand. It's a decent party trick - one of three in my repertoire. The hair has never really bothered me until I started vaccinating hundreds of people each week. Hairy hands really don't look too odd, but hairy hands stretched tight beneath tight latex gloves looks disgusting. And some gloves don't breathe very well or have powder, resulting in either sweaty gloves or gloves filled with a thin powdery dough. Now you know why I contemplated giving shots with my mouth.

But what is my answer? Do I wax my hands and then stop at my arms? I have always felt like the hair on my forearms gives the appearance of Popeye. It's sexy and classy (claxy) - I don't think I can lose that hair. Will I be discriminated against at the electrolysis place if I ask to just 'thin out my hands?' My wish number 5 is a solution to my dilemma.

Saw IV, I mean wish 4

2009-12-15T00:40:00.000-08:00

My number four wish is actually based on so many of those multilevel marketing companies that we all know and love. Once you peel off the top, there is a lot more to deal with. Xango is tasty, cures all health problems, and can make you money. My wish is the same. Pictured above, you will see the lovely and talented Betsy making wakeboarding look like a paddle boat ride. Notice the tower at the top of the picture made from old milking pipe from Rob's uncle. That's right, he built his own tower with a little intuition, spot welds, and stolen pipe. It was a little bent, but still pretty functional...

Until I tried to get up and just bent it to hell. One of the worst things I have ever done morally. I think that Rob was mad at me, but he was nice enough not to complain. I still can't figure out why I couldn't pop up. It was not the first time I was part of an old boat. Perhaps I'm too strong, perhaps I'm too fat. Only time will tell. Regardless, I would like a new tower for Rob's boat. Perhaps even a new boat. And a few summer nights to help him break it in. With Danny and Betsy too. I'm already sick of the dirty snow and slick ice.

And the final part of my wish is for the pigs to be healthy and happy. Look how content the Laura pig and the Derrek pig were in this picture. Derrek is in a much colder place now. And in pieces of deliciousness. The Laura pig is working on phase 3 of the pig plan. I wonder if she misses her brother. Hopefully the casual mating with her boyfriend the Boy pig makes up for it. Anyway, bacon sounds great for breakfast.

Number 3

2009-12-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

I remember going to Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake when I was little and seeing some type of large stuffed animal. When questioned about it, my caretakers responded that it was Shasta the Liger - at one point the world's oldest liger, like it was no big deal. But it was a huge deal, and the importance was somehow lost on them. The realization for me that a liger was an actual animal tore down barriers that had previously seemed impervious. I had dreamed of cross-breeding animals to select for only the best traits, and it now seemed possible in my young mind.

Giraffes with wings. Hippos with rhino horns. Horses and seahorses together at last. And yes, humans with tails. There was no end in sight. Then, 1995 changed all that. The liger dream came to a terrifying head.

One black September night in 1995 an African lion leapt from the roof of its ramshackle cage onto the road leading to Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. A neighbor killed the lion. The sheriff's men came and killed two more lions. Of the known forty-six lions and forty-four wolves in the roadside zoo, how many remained? Before the sun rose, seventeen lions lay dead. National media screamed "Slaughter." What really happened? You decide.

It's all real. It's all true. Previously Lava Hot Springs just had the hot springs. Now they had Ligertown. I remember watching the news for weeks for updates on my formerly mythical creatures. How many shot. How many still at large. Were my dreams still a possibility? Since that time my cross-breeding attempts have been limited to eating dinner foods for breakfast. Maybe this book can bring some of them back.

Numero Dos

2009-12-11T20:59:00.001-08:00

Number two on my list is to bring back Crystal Pepsi. There are no excuses to not put more pressure on our politicians to make this happen. Health care, the budget, the BCS... none of that is going to be solved until we get a nice refreshing beverage. Sierra Mist isn't cutting it PepsiCo. And isn't it about time for bustedtees.com to come out with an ironic Crystal Pepsi t-shirt or two? Any other crystal products we need?

Come on, it's everything

2009-12-11T20:57:00.001-08:00

The pinnacle of Van Halen's career? I think yes.

My Christmas

2009-12-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of people buying me things for being spectacular, I have decided to start throwing out some ideas. Number one, Deviled Corn Dogs:
It looks good so far, but wait until you hear what we've got going on inside this picture.
"Corndog hotdogs pureed with cheese, mayonnaise and tater tots, then re-baked inside a corndog shell." Give me a little ketchup, honey mustard, and some Arby's sauce packets we have stashed in the fridge for such occasions - merry christmas, war is over baby.

Helloween

2009-10-28T21:53:00.001-07:00

I think the Redhead and I have found our costumes for next year.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Kitten Mittens

2009-09-13T21:53:00.001-07:00

It's back on Thursday night. Nate, no excuses for missing it.

My Daytime Emmy

2009-09-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

I cut together a bunch of pieces of video from our little excursion to the land of Northface. It's pretty long, but there is a great surprise at the end. And I have been blacklisted from several video hosting sites for trying to use "Send Me an Angel" as the background music. And to answer your next question, yes we did spend an evening watching RAD and eating blackberries and ice cream. The bike-dancing scene with Cru Jones and Lori Laughlin lighting it up to Send Me an Angel is one of the epic moments in cinematography. You have to go to the blogsite to see the video if you are just looking at it on Google Reader, for some reason it isn't showing up.

What's in a name

2009-09-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Is there really any way I can justify not buying a Honda Big Red? My track record with saying no to red is not good.

Bo Knows

2009-08-21T11:05:00.001-07:00

Stupid hip replacement surgery.

I love it but I hate the taste

2009-08-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

We went to the Bees game this week. I had assumed that it was a dress-up, so I went as Charlie Brown. Turns out I was wrong. D-Rock scored us the free night, and our dinner was even served by people clearly more important than us. We also received free peanuts and cracker jacks which made for a very happy customer. It seems that unhealthy food and my mood have a directly correlated relationship.

The Bees kicked the crap out of the Nashville Sound. The last time I checked, there were no geographical sounds near Nashville, so they must be talking about the music. We cashed in after the game with free 44 ounce drinks from the Sonic. We also earned free scones from Sconecutter, but really when was the last time you heard someone say 'wow, you know what sounds really good? Sconecutter.' Maybe they need a new marketing campaign.

One would assume that 90 degree weather at the baseball game would equate to summer in Utah. Not where we roam. We were caught in a great snowstorm on our drive to the Uintas this morning. It was great to be throwing snowballs at noon in the middle of August.

The snow did not deter me from stopping at the Hi-Mountain Drug for some ice cream. Make it a double chocolate and peanut butter delight. And yes, I did overhear 'wow, look at his ice cream cone.' I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that one.

Wow. Don't know if I'm ready to break this down.

2009-08-12T22:57:00.001-07:00

It was inevitable that I would write about this, and I apologize to Norm and others who couldn't attend for not getting it up earlier. This was our first foray into the Great Pig Roast Adventure. (next year's adventure Danny). Day one started on Thursday, and it had a strange smokey hue filling the sky. Perhaps it was a sign.

Step one was digging the pit. Rob had already collected wood and moved a few things up to the campsite. He also built an excellent grate that I had to try out. We lined the pit with some river rocks on the bottom - don't really think that was all that useful. Then came day two.

We spent most of the day working on building a pavilion out of giant bales of cut grass and a ridiculously large tarp. We started burning the fire around 4:00 in the afternoon, and the always great Dirk brought up Kendra the pig for us about 7:30 or 8:00. We had it butchered (it was cheap, they removed the hair, and it alleviated Sarah's butchering fears).

Turns out that Kendra even got a tramp stamp before she came up. She was originally a black pig, but they took off all her color. I think it would have been interesting to let the local cosmetology students practice their waxing on her, but my ideas are usually shot down. Turns out she was a pretty pale pig under the black exterior.

About 4 hours of nonstop fire (think the Boulders in '98 Norm, it is my only comparison), we determined the coals were ready and prepared Kendra.

We wrapped Kendra in burlap and covered her in BBQ sauce. I love the fact that one of the key players in the pig preparation was 2-year-old Eli. The other was Skyler, a vegatarian. Just goes to show that everyone is attracted to an adventure.

Kendra is in the ground and covered. We used some sheet metal and tin to create sort of a primitive oven for her to cook.

The great unveil. Mya the dog is in the background on this one. She was the happiest dog I have ever seen after she realized that the pit was filled with steaming pork soaked in melted pig fat. She may have doubled her weight on this trip. Also, I think this is a great look for me. I will be using it more often.

The Redhead and Melany to prove they were there. Actually we were very excited that Melany, Paul, and Penny made the trip up - you guys are great.

The final result. I made up some sauces to try and I think they went pretty well. We also had beans, mac and cheese, fruits, salad, rolls, homemade rootbeer, and fat boys for dessert. I'm making myself hungry right now just listing everything.

We followed up the eating festivities with a great game of kickball. Our team was terrible, but I did get a home run and nearly knocked myself out catching a pop up. Notice the trend of background Jed.

Ryan round the bases to score. Nate was pitching to us, and there were complaints he was making them a little too bouncy. We'll never know for sure.
The Boy and background Jed. The Boy is always a crowd favorite, and I've yet to meet one of the married females in the group that isn't taken with him.

Summer and Paige making short work of a Fat Boy second from the Casper's store. Rolling up to a pig roast in rural Idaho in a Lexus can only be pulled off by a select few, and they are definitely more than capable.

I love this picture of Brynn and Jed. Brynn was one of the few that powered through the ribs with me.

Earlier in the day we played with the tractor a little bit. A good rule of thumb - if there is ever someone wearing a wife beater in a tractor, ask him to drive around as many kids under 5 as possible. Seriously, I don't know if the kids had half as much fun as I did taking them for a ride. Noah even insisted that we carry D-Rock in the bucket.

We ended up cooking certain parts of Kendra a little more just to make sure that they were the proper temperature for serving. One thing we did learn - a 161 pound pig (hanging weight) will feed a lot of people. We missed many of you. And don't tell me a black and white shot of Nate in cutoffs looking at a big grill filled with pork isn't prize worthy.

This is my second favorite picture. Rob, a knife, a fire, a bucket, and meat. Priceless.

But how could anything top this? We weren't even drinking and this card gets played. D-Rock is that spectacular.

A great thanks to everyone that helped and supported this venture. Especially those that stepped out of their box and came up - Melissa, Sean & Brynn, Paul & Melany, and many others. Great additions to the regular cast. There has already been talk about next year's event. Hopefully we can help create a story for even more people. A special thanks to Rob for helping to take crazy ideas and facilitating them into reality. I haven't been this happily exhausted for a long time.

The Pig Roast

2009-08-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

View Larger Map

Here is the map to the area of the pig roast. It is interactive and can be adjusted. Pull it down to see the road from Logan. I will update it as I find a better way to make the map. Basically, go to Logan and head North on main street towards Preston. The road will fork at the end of Preston and you will turn right on highway 34 towards Soda Springs and Grace. You will take this road for a few miles until you reach highway 36. Turn right here - the road is right across from Riverdale Resort. Follow this road for about 3 miles. You will see signs and smell the smell of delicious pork. Total time is about 40-45 minutes from Logan. Please come early to hang out and float the river, play kickball, check on the pig, play games, etc. Bring chairs too or at least blankets to lay on. Camping over is encouraged too. $5 a person, kids free. Please leave comments and check back often for new developments - menu, event schedule, etc.

This just in from Rob - I'm gonna garuntee a redneck slip and slide involving a gas powered pump, the crick and some industrial black plastic. And I am tentatively going to say my brother will be manning the boat and all wakeboarding activity only 5 miles away at Oneida Resevoir.

Don't let the world bring you down

2009-07-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

This picture sums up so much of my life, I can't explain it. If you haven't looked here, you're missing the boat. The smile says it all.

We went to catch the Incubus show the other day. Is there really any reason to go to the Incubus show other than shirtless Brandon? I think the Redhead has a new dreamboat in her fleet. I hadn't seen them since they opened for Primus back at Saltair, so it was interesting to see their progress as a band playing live. The highlight remained the same - a shirtless guy playing a didgeridoo.

Of course it would not be a show without some friendly seat-neighbors. This happy character lasted a few minutes before security helped him out. Then he sat down and resettled his stomach. The sad part was that no one even offered to hold his hair back.

The Redhead was very glad she changed before we left. Wearing the same shirt as this cutie pie could have been a touch embarrassing. It would have been like wearing a small child's dinosaur costume to a Halloween party with 20,000 people, and then finding out your ex-boyfriend is wearing the same costume to the same party! Awkward... Perhaps next year D-Rock and I can find some coordinating handkerchief shirts to wear.

And last but not least, the goodbye wave. Shirtless Brandon is done. But, I learned recently that the greatest band ever assembled is coming to town. That's right, CREED is back on tour. It will probably be the best thing ever. They have most of the top rock songs ever recorded. Are you ready to take me higher?

Star-Crossed Lover

2009-07-19T22:05:00.001-07:00

I have been cheating on the Redhead. My companion of choice as of late has been cheesesteak sandwiches. They offer me the gooey goodness and flavor I crave. My problem multiplied this week as I added another supplier to my list. The trifecta I dream about includes Downtown Philly in South Jordan, Fillet of Phillies in Murray, and now Moochie's Meatballs in Salt Lake. I feel like a man with three mistresses. Steamy and delicious mistresses.

First on my list is Downtown Philly. They make a damn good sandwich. They are closest to us, so they win the convenience factor. The folks that work there are always very nice as well. The Redhead has even started to select the shop when trying to decide on where to eat. I recommend the Philly Bleu. I hold the onions and ask for extra mushrooms.

Next on my list is the recent addition of Moochie's Meatballs. They make a damn good sandwich. I know it was on the Food Network show, but it still has a quaint feel. I didn't get the meatball sandwich, but it looked great. I've been fighting the cheesesteak for some time now, and I'll be damned if I give it up for some meatballs. I'll get both next time just to play fair. This was a lot of food, but I was licking my fingers even as my stomach was out of room. My only complaint was that when I tried to eat the cheese off the tin foil wrapping, my cavities started to hurt.

The last entry is Fillet of Phillies. They make a damn good sandwich. This one is a little out of the way - onless you are going to Burlington Coat Factory - They're more than just great coats (Not affliliated with Burlington Industries). If you go, make sure you get the english chips. They come out piping hot and greasy. The grease is in higher supply here, but the food is worth the feeling you have after the meal. You know the feeling - shortness of breath, shooting pains, thirst, etc.

If all else fails, plan a night to come over, and I'll make you some of my cheesesteak. It's not a philly version, but it will hit the spot. I also make them a touch spicy - courtesy of the crushed red pepper that permeates most of my meals. But if you can't make it over, please stop by one of these fine establishments and clog up your arteries in my honor.

Ninja Gaiden

2009-07-12T22:11:00.002-07:00

The ad said Ninja for Hire. Little did we know. As my mentor Stephen Covey said, "while we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions." This night would ingrain this in my psyche.
Doesn't it all start with something simple? A greeting, a smile, a nod. Hell, I asked the Redhead out for the first time with a text message, and look where that got me. The ad placed on KSL.com a few weeks back caused a stir with D-Rock, he sent it around to some friends and we had a good laugh. Melissa came rolling into town, and decided to make the joke into reality. D-Rock planned a late birthday BBQ for himself, and Melissa decided to invite/hire the ninja for the evening. D-Rock had no idea, but was pretty excited when the ninja showed up.

My first issue with the ninja was his arrival. I was under the assumption that ninjas are able to sneak up on people when needed, and not ask several people to distract their target. Regardless, the ninja surprised D-Rock. We all stood there for a minute before asking him to start doing his ninja things. For no reason, he decided to scale the railing and climb the house.

Then he lost his footing and fell into some bushes and an old stump. Not only did he lose his footing, he also broke the small mail box he was trying to climb on. It was an interesting move. Especially for a ninja. At least no one was really watching, or video taping.

Except for the 25 people at the party gathered about 5 feet from him. In a truly epic fail moment, we all burst into laughter as he fell to the ground. Are we terrible people? Yeah, I'm pretty sure we are. In his defense, D-Rock asked if he was OK, then offered him a burger. We even have some video of it, posted on You Tube below. It's not the best angle, but still fantastic. If you look close at the picture above, you can even see little Ari at the rail having a good chuckle.

The ninja seemed to rebound and took some photos with D-Rock. But the group had lost a lot of respect. He had to argue for most of the night that his outfit was anything more than a lame Halloween costume.

His creepy infatuation with Summer was also a little disturbing. This may have been the hottest contact he's had in a bit. He was a pretty good sport. He posed for a lot of pictures, and we had a good laugh at his expense.

Papa Bill summed it up best when he said 'that was the funniest thing I've seen in 67 frickin' years.' He even proceeded to tip him with a $2 bill. So overall, if you want a bizarre twist to a party, hire the ninja. He may break things and he'll probably eat a lot of your food, but doesn't comedy always come at a price?

The Ninja Experience

2009-07-12T22:11:00.001-07:00

Thank you Mikayla. You are a valuable piece of the organization.

Chicken Fried Delicious

2009-06-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

The news about Yao Ming has shaken us all. Let us take comfort in this picture of boys wearing bacon tuxedos. This photo has given the idea of 'children' new life with the Redhead and I. All this time we thought you could only dress up dogs in meat outfits (see the traditional wiener dog hot dog outfit). Apparently children can also be dressed up in you favorite meat dish as well.

For those of you that have been asking the question, 'can two grown man-boys spend $50 at a cheese factory?' Here's your answer. And yes, that is a CASE of root beer milk that D-Rock is holding. I mostly spent my money on swiss cheese. It was all pretty great except for the lacey swiss that D-Rock bought. I'm almost through my block of Old World Swiss, and I will soon start on my Baby Swiss. The thought of having two cheese factories in one valley is starting to weigh upon my mind. Perhaps we'll settle in the land to the North. Until then, maybe we need to make a return trip.

If you don't have someone to do it with, it's not worth doing

2009-06-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

It wouldn't be summer without a trip to the 311 show. And as always, it was memorable and spectacular. D-Rock and the Captain accompanied me on the rainy night. The weather turned out great, and the clouds parted to stop the rain. We were going to buy some tickets at the door, but some dude approached us and offered to scalp some tickets for $12. Not too bad considering that we were planning on paying several times that amount. In fact, the Captain had exactly $12 cash in his wallet. Scored great tickets for cheap - check.

Admittedly we did not catch much of the Ziggy Marley show. A few songs, but not a lot. We had several hang ups along the way, but the few songs we saw were chill and great. But then 311 started out their little show. A lot of their new stuff mixed in with a few oldies. I didn't get to hear 'Don't Stay Home' or 'Freak Out,' but 'Freeze Time' was excellent. I have decided that we need to reunite the band and head out to the 311 Day one of these years. We also were surrounded by couples going at it a little bit - occasionally a lot bit. I'm not sure, but I think D-Rock tried to squeeze in between the two chicks in front of us to no avail. Watching oversexed teens - check.

And following with tradition, we scored a bunch of free loot at the end of the show. This year's treat came in the form of an entire case of REV3 energy drink made by USANA. They were giving out one can at a time, but somehow we ended up getting a case. The guy must have turned his head or something. It ranks somewhere behind the Smint caper of '98 and ahead of the Riverton High School 'Pack Attack' shirt I borrowed 10 years ago. Up next on the adventure list is the Incubus show in a few weeks. And this link is just for Norm. That's right, that Tara Reid - check.

My Biggest Regret

2009-06-23T21:54:00.001-07:00

If I could go back, I would go play football at Montana Tech with this coach. The interview clips are only for about the first two minutes and then they repeat.

Pressure Drop

2009-06-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

I asked the children at church how old the Redhead was today, and the answers varied from 37-42. I finally realized what that phrase 'my joy is full' meant. Happy birthday baby! And to the rest, Happy Flag Day. Also, I think we may be getting released from teaching the children at church when it gets back to the higher ups that I spent most of the class time drawing an awesome robot on the chalkboard. One of the kids said the robot just looked like someone wearing boxes. That was followed up with the Redhead talking like a robot and then doing the robot dance. Teaching: no greater calling.

Comfort Wipe

2009-06-11T15:53:00.001-07:00

This is really beyond any type of description. I definitely took my bathroom routine to the examination room after seeing this.

We got another animal today

2009-06-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

One of my new favorite websites is awkwardfamilyphotos.com. I think I like it so much because it hits so close to home. You could probably make a case for at least half of the family photos that we have kicking around. Especially the one where we are all dressed up in 'old western clothing' and my brother (maybe 10 at the time) is wearing ammo bands, a couple rifles, and holding a bottle of whiskey. Even the individual ones are head shakers. They bring out the some of the worst eras in each of us - from new wave to skater to the senior picture with faux tuxedo. And I'm not even considering the pictures of high school dances.

The first dance I ever went to involved a plate of cookies with letters hidden in the cookies. The problem was that I had no idea who would be dumb enough to want to take me to a dance. Apparently it was someone dumb enough to write letters I couldn't decipher and hide them in cookies. She had to have her friend call a week later and tell me who it was. I should have followed the old man's advice and left a big block of ice on her doorstep that said it would be a cold day in hell before I ever went out with her. It was the first and last time I have ever hung out with multiple male cheerleaders and members of the cattle guard. There was one good-looking girl in the group, but she didn't wear shoes the entire night. I wore a sweater. I should have sworn myself to a monastery after that. In fact I just threw up a little thinking about it.

Hey You

2009-05-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

vs.

and

vs.

One of my top three favorite things in the world is lacrosse. This weekend marks the lacrosse final four for NCAA Division 1. It's like March Madness only more exciting to watch and less gambling. I think one Memorial Day weekend we should all get together - you know who you are - and go to see the games back East. Perhaps we can stay with Norm. I think we are all required to root for Cornell, and not just because of the Nard Dog.

Chemical burns and sunburns don't mix

2009-05-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

A lady came up to me the other day at work and asked what I would recommend for kidney stones. For a dog. It was a Schnauzer. Apparently Schnauzers are known for getting cancer and kidney stones. I showed her to some boxes of Whitman's Samplers and sent her on her way.

This wasn't even the most awkward request. I spent 15 minutes with an unfortunate husband that had been sent by his wife to buy her a yeast infection treatment. You haven't lived until you've heard my reasons for choosing Monistat 1, Monistat 3, or Monistat 7. I even threw in a reference to one product with soothing aloe wipes. Wives, never ever send your husband out to buy you a yeast infection treatment. What in the hell was she thinking? There is no way that could have ended well.

In related pig news, my pig died, but the Lil' Redhead pig and the D-Rock pig are raising hell and growing fat. And apparently getting sunburned. I suggested that Lil' Redhead wear a sunbonnet so we'll see how that goes. We could probably find one at King's for cheap since Easter has come and gone. We are going to go visit them soon and feed them some fresh radishes from the garden.

Also, Hawaii was great. The only regrets we had were not spending more time with Melissa, and not spending more time with the girls at the little store that sells acai bowls by the Foodland. When D-Rock finally starts to put our risque ideas into production and we become wealthy enough to be featured on My Super Sweet Sixteen, maybe I'll buy the little shack.

Anyone else find it disturbing that people are soon going to start thinking that we are father-daughter when we go out rather than husband-wife? Maybe it's just the french braids. Maybe it's me balding... must be the braids.

I mumble when I talk

2009-04-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

I love the fact that our society is always looking for a new holiday or reason to celebrate. This week we get to relish in tax day. Celebrate by going to Chick-fil-A tomorrow (April 15), you can save your receipt and get the same order for free before April 30. Thank heavens the fast food establishments are looking out for our tax interests. And speaking of fast food, let's break down the latest happenings:

The Arby's Roastburger. It sucks. I don't go to Arby's to get anything but highly processed sliced roast beef on buns that taste like sponges and small packets of the secret Arby's sauce. Alone, these items are all horrible, but when used in combination, the processed meat, sponge buns, and sauce blend together in a harmony that isn't perfect, but acceptable. The Roastburger takes a formula that works, then adds lettuce, tomato, and a non-sponge bun. The result is nothing great. Ignore the hype and stick with the basics.

Quizno's Torpedo Sandwich. I was ridiculously hesitant to try this sandwich due to the Cap'n Crunch factor. I figured that the sandwich would be so crispy and toasted that it would just rip my mouth apart. I was wrong. It was toasted just enough to melt the cheese and heat up the meat. The sandwich also comes in a long paper sack, so you don't even have to handle the bread, and you feel like an alcoholic drinking out of a brown paper sack. The two blonde girls at the location I went to even gave me a free drink and chips. Sometimes I forget about just how much sexuality I ooze.

Wienerschnitzel's Sea Dog. This fascinates me. I have only set foot in one Wienerschnitzel in my life, but this latest promotion may get me back. I give you the Sea Dog. My assumption is that the entree is a large fish stick served like a hot dog. There are so many reasons for this to be successful. I can finally use tartar sauce on hot dog buns without the Redhead frowning upon me. If you have tried one of these, send a review. If you want to go grab three or four with me, let me know.
I figure the question you have now is, 'my hell, how often is this louse eating fast food?' I won't dignify that with a specific answer, but I will say that I somehow receive weekly emails from Papa John, Dairy Queen, and Arby. They don't even go to spam anymore. It's like gmail is just egging me on into taking a look. I lead a rich life. And please don't tell the Redhead about any of this, she's under the impression that when I don't eat at home, I'm fasting.

The Ukrainian Version of Katy Perry

2009-04-01T20:34:00.001-07:00

This is for the Washington Jake because I always think he went to Ukraine instead of Latvia. I'm thinking that these guys would be the toast of the Oktoberfest circuit in the fall.

New York, New York

2009-03-31T00:20:00.000-07:00

The Redhead and I flew back to New York a bit ago to check on our eastern investments. We were able to attend the St. Patrick's Day parade, which brought us this parade entry from Alabama. Notice the classy garter on the leg. I always thought that Alabama was a state, apparently also a strip club. I was disappointed in the lack of drunken shenanigans at the parade. The Simpsons let me down. More likely, we were too far uptown.
This couple asked the Redhead to take a photo with their camera. The Redhead handed her camera to Sarah (pictured below) to hold. Sarah decided it would be nice to have a keepsake of the young couple. I don't think they spoke English very well, and were confused by the entire ordeal. I for one was happy with the photo. I have always found that taking pictures of random people at famous places is more entertaining than the actual landmark. Notice the Empire State Building in the background, they lit it up green in honor of the "holiday."
Our two favorite New Yorkers. I am amazed at how much people love children in New York, especially on the subway. Everywhere we went there were people smiling and chatting with the kids. Children in Utah are looked at as somewhat of a nuisance when taken out in public. Well, I guess they are a nuisance in private as well.
Sarah insisted on riding all novelty farm animals at the store. I asked her to ride side saddle since she was wearing a skirt, but her modesty-be-damned attitude was quite endearing. Maybe when she comes in the summer she can come sit on our real pig, Sir Oinksalot. Who's in for a summer pig roast?
One of my favorite parts of the trip. I searched high and low for ectoplasmic residue, but I didn't see any. Egon, Ray, and the boys must be doing their jobs. One of my highlights was lunch and El Presidente. It's a Dominican place that had some fantastic roasted pork, red rice, black beans, and mango shake. All for a decent price. It's Uptown near the hospital for my New York friends. Will we go back? Yes. I have some unsettled business at Coney Island. Would we move there? No. The Redhead would spend too much money on becoming a fashionista.

The SnugWow

2009-03-25T15:20:00.001-07:00

Lax Growing

2009-03-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

A podcast of the Radiowest show with host Doug Fabrizio. Doug brings in a panel to discuss lacrosse and the growth of the sport in Utah. This will only appeal to a few people, but they will really like it.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

Once every generation we are blessed with someone who touches lives in ways that no one else could. Chuck Norris doesn't just touch lives, he calls on his Native American heritage, throws a roundhouse kick to the face, nods to Jimmy Trivette, and heads back to CD's bar. We are truly watched over.

311

2009-03-10T21:02:00.001-07:00

It comes but once a year. And by the way, Craig Kilborn, where have you gone?

2009-02-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

The Redhead quite enjoyed this discussion. At one point she said that she didn't even know what she liked after reading some of the comments. No one did especially well on the quiz. Actually I didn't add up scores, but you can imagine. Here are the answers.

Shaquille O'Neal
The Redhead hates Shaq. This may stem from a lackluster performance in the Nick Nolte classic, 'Blue Chips.'

Scottie Pippen
The Redhead loves Scottie Pippen. Whenever the opportunity presents itself to talk about basketball players from the 1990s, she casually drops Scottie's name.

The Duggar family and their show about having 18 children
While I hate the Duggars, the Redhead loves the Duggars. Alicia put it best - 'loves the Duggar family--she's always reading about or watching about weird people like that.' The Redhead has also done significant research on polygamy by reading every available book that was written by someone that escaped.

Paige Davis
The Redhead hates Paige Davis. I get great enjoyment by pointing out every billboard and television commercial that features her little rat nose. I will never shop at RC Willey again, but not because of Paige Davis. I became disgruntled with the store after they stopped offering free hot dogs on Super Saturday, and after they cut the guy with the moustache that used to do all of their commercials.

Hello Kitty
The Redhead hates Hello Kitty. She has nothing against the cat, but her Hello Kitty brand sewing machine has brought her nothing but grief. The Hello Kitty sewing machine is the only thing the Redhead curses at more than me.

Golfing
The Redhead loves golfing. She was on the Blackfoot Golf Team so that she could get out of classes. We try to go multiple times each year. She usually puts me to shame.

Craters of the Moon National Monument in Idaho
Despite the constant prodding of my old man, the Redhead hates Craters of the Moon National Monument in Idaho. She blames this on multiple field trips in elementary school. My class only went on field trips to Hardee's, and I always felt at home.

Mushrooms
The Redhead hates mushrooms. They are one of the few items that she can't just put salt and spray butter on and eat.

Macaroni and Cheese
The Redhead loves macaroni and cheese. When cheese is unavailable, she just eats it with salt and pepper... and spray butter.

Girls dressed in mustard costumes that hang around the snack table at Halloween parties
The Redhead loves the girl in the mustard costume that hung around the snack table at the Halloween party. Mustard was so into eating that she didn't even notice the picture we took of her. Ketchup on the other hand was checking out someone in a schoolgirl outfit.

Sitting with D-Rock at any type of group event instead of her deadbeat husband
The Redhead loves D-Rock. She often refuses to go to group gatherings if he is not there, and I think she married me to be close to him.

This is question is two parts, the first is fishing. The second is the Captain (notice the gnarly wound on his arm in the photo).
The Redhead loves fishing, and the Redhead loves the Captain. The Redhead caught the fishing bug two years ago, and she was actually excited when she opened her own fishing pole for Christmas this year. This ruined my plan of her regifting it to me. The Redhead also loves the Captain. When I die, he is more than welcome to take things over. Anyone that can pilot the Whaler on the Berry in a lightning storm can take over for me. That offer also stands for D-Rock and Ryan.

Hopefully you learned a little more about the rich life the Redhead leads. And as far as the picture above goes, I think we're on for the fall.

Love/Hate with the Redhead

2009-02-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

The Redhead is a very interesting entity. She gets attached to things easily and has a hard time letting them go. On the other hand, she inexplicably hates certain things and won't change for any reason. Take this Redhead quiz and see how you do. Mark down if she loves something, or if she hates something. For example: Hugh Hefner - the Redhead dislikes Hugh, Tyra Banks - the Redhead has a special place for Tyra. I'll post the answers in a few days. (My apologies to Jason P. as this was completely his idea in the Raul quiz a few years back)

Shaquille O'Neal

Scottie Pippen

The Duggar family and their show about having 18 children

Paige Davis

Hello Kitty

Golfing

Craters of the Moon National Monument in Idaho

Mushrooms

Macaroni and Cheese

Girls dressed in mustard costumes that hang around the snack table at Halloween parties

Sitting with D-Rock at any type of group event instead of her deadbeat husband

This is question is two parts, the first is fishing. The second is the Captain (notice the gnarly wound on his arm in the photo).

This last one isn't really a question. More of a reminder of why winter is depressing. Extra points go to those that calculate how long she'll be mad at me for posting this.

Happy Dia dos Presidentes

2009-02-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

In my estimation, the ten best presidents, in no particular order. Voice your opinion below.
Grover Cleveland. He was so great that he has an entire city named after him. Grover Beach, California.

Martin Van Buren. Founded the Van Buren boys.

James K. Polk. Brought the Kentucky Waterfall to Washington.

Millard Fillmore. One of two people named after both a county and town in rural Utah. This distinct honor is shared by his cousin Wayne Fillmore.

Rutherford B. Hayes. General rule of thumb - when making lists, try to include as many people named Rutherford as possible.

William Howard Taft. You somehow thought he would not be on the list?

Woodrow Wilson. "I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight. And oh, yes. I really hate yo-yo's."

Chester A. Arthur. The Father of Civil Service, and an epic beard.

James Madison. He gets the nod because of Dolly Madison's snack cakes.

William Henry Harrison. His inaugural address was the longest, his term the shortest.

Non-Commital Meetings Online

2009-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

April Fool's Day has always been an unnecessary and worthless faux holiday celebrated mainly by horrible morning radio DJs and overzealous school administrators. Except for the April Fool's Day of 2001. This year, Norm decided to get me. Completely understandable and absolutely unavoidable. I invite him to help with the background information, but in the meantime, here is my version of the experience.

He started early and found a website founded by BYU students called NCMO.org. The non-comittal make-out was all the rage in the late '90s. It was the precursor to the Ugg boot with sweat pants look. Norm made me a profile, and set out to find someone desperate/crazy/sad enough to come for a visit. These were the days before online networking sites, so it was mostly new to people. I think he even stole some type of muscle man photo online and used it as my profile picture.

But this wasn't good enough. My profile didn't attract any takers, so Norm was forced to email everyone within a 50 mile radius, pretending to be me, in order to set up a meeting. And he found one. A high school student from a neighboring town took the invitation hook, line, and sinker. She was excited to meet me, and would be in town in a few short days. About this time I learned about the profile, but couldn't believe that anyone would be so disturbed as to come to me for a visit. I don't even think Norm believed it would happen. But then, it did.

One afternoon I was in the hall corridor area of our apartments chatting with some neighbors. I noticed a stranger wandering up the stairs and looking searching the doors for a number. It then hit me. I knew it was her. I flashed back to her profile online - strawberry blonde hair, slim body type, athletic build. In person, she turned into a redhead with freckles and a body built for catching cannonballs. We went in our apartment and shut the door. A few minutes later there was a knock. I shuffled through my mind for a way to scare her off. The only thing I could come up with was 'sorry, oversexed high school girl, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.'

I answered the door and she asked for Eric. In a moment that is burned into my memory, Norm popped out the end of the hall and yelled, 'that's him right there!' as he bolted out the fire escape. And there I stood. She said 'I'm the girl from the website.' And I said 'huh.' I tried to explain to her that my friend had set all of this up as an elaborate April Fool's joke. She said 'oh yeah, yeah, my friends set me.....' It was the first time I had noticeably heard someone trail off because there was absolutely no other plausible excuse. What could I do? At this point in time, the joke felt like a Steven Seagal movie that just drops you off in the middle of nowhere. I resolved to take her over to watch a friend's volleyball game. We sat in silence for 45 minutes before she sidled off and my own personal NCMO.org hell had ended. No make out session. No exchanged phone numbers. Just a healthy load of regret.

If I recall, Norm sent her an apology email later on, and she responded by asking when we could get together again. I have always looked at her as my ultimate backup plan. When the Redhead leaves me, D-Rock has gone off on his quest to reunite the cast of Herman's Head, and I need someone to bring me Wendy's food because I can't get off the couch, I know where to go.

Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac

2009-02-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

I spent most of today in bed. I somehow slept in until 11:00. It was nice. It took me back to some of my college days when I would manage to be sleeping when church started at 2:00. I also spent a few hours looking through old emails. I used to be funny. I read page after page of great inside references about how Swanee was making that tapping noise back there. What happened.

Rob talking about the Subway Sub of the Week made me happy. The Subway Sub of the Week was the pinnacle of the Logan experience. I'm not quite sure how is was started, but it has roots back to San Juan Hall. I'm still confused about how we were not expunged from said hall. It's a shame that one of us was not more into scrapbooking, because we had some great events. My favorite was hall baseball. It was the greatest game ever invented. It combined the skill of hitting a small plastic basketball with a headless lacrosse stick and the ability to not get hit by line drives. Other events on the list include cutting down a ceder tree from the canyon and making it our Christmas tree - exacerbating the entire building's allergies and asthma. And one of my favorites was my experience with NICMO.org. That's an entirely separate post in and of iteslf.

The Subway Sub of the Week came back during our days at Continental. It was in high regard and demand. It never caused a lack of excitement. We met weekly on Sunday nights to decide the winner. We also decided as a team to exclude certain individuals from winning - caused for some frustration I'm sure. I know we made a list somewhere, but if former winners can write in with the reason they won, that would be fantastic. I remember Scott winning on multiple occasions - getting a concussion, putting Gina's car on blocks, building a watertight boat out of cardboard, putting skis on the bottom of our couch and taking it down Old Main Hill, and probably several others.

The only time I remember winning was when Rob convinced me to eat that crayon. I did enjoy the subsequent trip to Wendy's. My experiences at the Poison Control Center have taught me that it was absolutely harmless. Thanks for the safety Crayola! My favorite all-time winner shall remain nameless, but I posted his anonymous photo below. Yes, that is an R shaved into his chest hair. Yes, that is a towel cape he's wearing as well. The best part about it was Scott trying to hold in his giggles while he expertly performed the shaving.

Hey There, Blimpie Boy

2009-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

The greatest snack stadium of all time.

I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.

2009-01-28T22:08:00.000-08:00

I like to read BBC online. I think it is partly from my distaste for FOX News, the No-Spin Zone, MSNBC, and Hardball. I like to see what's happening in the world, and I also have a penchant for the Royal Family. They are the closest thing to Melrose Place for me these days. The other positive aspect about the BBC is that they tackle the tough story. Today I found this one.

It was definitely more about moobs and breast reduction surgery for men than I ever wanted to know. It's not an uncommon problem, but our vanity seems to be expanding exponentially. How long will it be now before surgeons are offering two-for-one deals where the man gets a breast reduction and the woman gets an augmentation? It seems like a natural fit for marketing. Also, is it possible that humans are evolving into some type of unisex eunuch? We already have those stupid unisex bathrooms. Perhaps in the future we will neither sit nor stand to urinate, but do some type of deep knee bend. Evolution at its finest.
Can we also offer some type of dignity course for men that wear t-shirts in air conditioned rooms or chilly weather?

Good Old Fashioned Healthy Lard

2009-01-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

Watch CBS Videos Online

I get out of school in May. I am thinking that I will be taking a trip to Chandler, AZ sometime thereafter. Bliss will surely follow. You may have to be in Internet Explorer to open this rather than Firefox, but it is worth it. Journalist integrity at its finest.

An Addition to the List

2009-01-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

This man is now on my most hated/despised list. He usurped Jared from the Subway commercials, but falls short of Kevin Trudeau - every time I hear of someone even thinking about doing the HCG diet, his place becomes more concrete. Other list fixtures include Chad Kroeger, the girl at the dentist that made my mouth hurt so much, the guy that hit John McCrea of Cake in the mouth at the BASH in 1999, and the waiter at Citris Grill that told me I 'looked like I needed the hearty meal.' Am I missing anyone else?

How much do I hate the cold January inversions? I broke out a 1000 piece puzzle.

2009-01-20T22:29:00.000-08:00

The Redhead has been reluctantly supportive of me over the years. She wasn't quite sure that we needed a Wii. Arrested Development wasn't that great when she first tried to watch it. Vanilla ice cream with a scoop of peanut butter looked weird. Calling the little girl wearing a Santa Claus dress in our church class Brooklyn Claus was mean.

Over time, she grew to appreciate the fancy things I bring to this relationship. I am happy to report that she goes to sleep watching A.D. on her little personal DVD player every night. She has also been running through peanut butter like she's searching for the salmonella outbreak. And Brooklyn Claus? She decided that while inappropriate, the nickname was both hilarious and necessary. She was wearing a velvet Mrs. Claus dress for hell's sake. The dress comes with a tag warning that while looking cute, your child will be teased while wearing the outfit.
Recently she mocked me for my puzzle. She couldn't believe that I wanted to piece together a picture of Big Ben in London. Then I found her in the above pictures... working on my puzzle, and shielding her face when she saw the camera and knew the inevitable. She didn't just walk by and try to put in a piece - it was several hours of work. I knew I could suck her in. The thing about puzzles is that everyone thinks they can do it better than you. We all have this mindset where we are the best puzzler out there. The same goes for crosswords, Suduko, Wheel of Fortune, and especially the Price is Right. If we could only get called to contestant's row, we would easily win the showcase showdown. In reality, we would probably pick the showcase with the living room set and the home sauna, and overbid. Ten years later we would still be mumbling about how we should have passed and gone for the Chevy Aveo...

The Snuggie Part II

2009-01-15T20:48:00.001-08:00

Sorry to post videos twice, but this is fantastic. I'm a big pentagram fan.

FOX NFL robot

2009-01-15T20:40:00.001-08:00

If you don't watch NFL football on FOX this will not be interesting to you at all. If you do watch it, you will agree.

Hall vs. Oates - The Ultimate Showdown

2009-01-11T23:46:00.001-08:00

The Redhead and I lead rich lives. In our coming and going, we met up with a small child (baby) dressed in sharp looking outfit, complete with hat. I was quite taken with the hat. I told the Redhead that I wanted one of said hats. I usually get distracted easily, and I am always telling her about things I need or want. For example, I've been requesting a trampoline for some time now. I recently purchased an amazing new fishing reel. I also have boxes of Waffle Crisp and Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Buns cereals stashed around the house. And by the way, the Mini Swirlz taste nothing like the Cinnamon Mini-Buns from my childhood.

On occasion she gives in to my demands and wishes and we usually end up with things I don't really need or want. Again, the package of Jack Link's turkey jerky that looks like human flesh. The vegetarian sausage patties. The ten pound bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. This time she held strong on the hat issue. Unfortunately for the Redhead, she has a fantastic sister that loves me dearly. I got the hat.

I am quite taken with the hat and I think that it is about time that formal hat wearing comes into style. The east coast crowd may have already caught on. People in the west are still trying to bust out of the Ugg boot craze. My question is just how bad do I look in the hat? I know that I only look good in very little or dressed up with a tie so my options are slim. What could I wear the hat with? Should it only be a formal occasion hat? Would I be banished from church if I wore the hat to meeting? Is the hat going to attract the right crowd of friends (old guys that play dominoes vs. hot young coeds)? Please weigh in on my quagmire. I will probably disregard all of the advice, but the wittiest remark earns a night out at the Nickelcade with me. Hopefully Nate or Rob wins the Nickelcade night.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Mini Buns

2009-01-11T23:17:00.001-08:00

It's not the tornado-shrinking commercial, but close enough I suppose.

A new me

2009-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

I was reading my Cosmo blogs today and I found some resolutions that I will adopt for the new year. Too many of us get bogged down in the ever mundane resolutions, so it is time to move forward. The following comes from a blog entitled 'Resolutions Not to Make This Year.' I will list what they wrote followed by my interpretation.

1. Quit your job and wait for a dream career opportunity to present itself. Recession shmecession.
Reality check: Suck it up and hang on to your gig for now. Appease yourself by taking a class or picking up a hobby that will make your résumé stand out, like learning a foreign language or starting a blog.

Comment -
Looks like I will continue being a bag boy at the local grocer. Perhaps I will appease myself by putting Hell is Cold on my résumé. I will also pretend I know a foreign language by using accent marks on the word résumé.

2. Lose five pounds.
Reality check: Hot chicks like Jessica Biel, Beyoncé, and ScarJo are proof that toned and curvy is the new skinny.

Comment -
More ammunition against the Redhead's crusade to get me to the gym, I'm working on channeling Beyonce. I also think I might have a ScarJo on my lower back but I can't get a good look at it.

3. Finally win back your ex-boyfriend.
Reality check: Move on. We give you permission to engage in some rebound relationship therapy.

Comment -
Now that I can move on from my ex-boyfriend, perhaps I will get in on some rebound action at Carl's Jr.

4. Buy into all the latest trends.
Reality check: It’s okay to be a slave to fashion...just be a slave to cheap fashion, rather than dropping serious bank on each and every look. Kick yourself later for wearing it, but don’t kick yourself for blowing your paycheck on it.

Comment -
Stylish and cheap? One word comes to mind, and that is McRib. Back for a limited time only, when you buy a McRib and an icy cold Coke now, you'll get a second McRib for only $1. Now that is stylish and cheap.

5. Change your man.
Reality check: While some relationship tweaking is to be expected (hey, few guys are natural-born good kissers), if the words “fixer-upper” and “project” could describe your boyfriend, it’s time to get real.

Comment -
I have always considered myself to be like one of the really tall kids or one of the only black kids at school. Inevitably you get picked to be on the basketball team because of sheer potential. Since the Redhead picked me, she has learned that potential can be very misleading. On my end, I've learned that if you pick at stuff long enough, she'll change.

6. Triple the number of friends you have on Facebook.
Reality check: Less time stalking your friends’ friends’ friends. More time catching up with buddies you actually care about.

Comment -
Done. No more looking for the really tall kid that made the basketball team.

7. Don’t eat any junk food.
Reality check: Cutting out all unhealthy food from your diet will most likely lead to binge eating, followed by intense guilt, by mid-January.

Comment -
Also done. Although I can't promise that I won't be binge eating. See number 4 for further details.

8. Watch less trashy TV.
Reality check: Zoning out and de-stressing for a bit every night with the help of good bad television is harmless.

Comment -
I kicked off the new year by watching Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels, Confessions of a Teen Idol with Scott Baio, and Bromance. Tonights episode of Bromance featured a Bro-athalon.

9. Save more money.
Reality check: Let’s be honest. In this economy, we’re just happy to be able to pay our rent, gas, and credit card bill.

Comment -
We're getting another stimulus check right? Plus with McRibs at such a low low price for a limited time only, you'd be stupid not to buy them in bulk.

10. Keep your number down.
Reality check: Nothin’ wrong with notches on your bedpost, as long as you’re being safe.

Comment -
'Safe' consists of regular visits to the free clinic and regular doses of penicillin, azithromycin, and possibly ciprofloxacin or come cephalosporins. Is this notching equivalent to notching the back of a name tag with baptism numbers?

Once again, if I follow Cosmo, it is going to be one helluva ride. I'm sure the Redhead gets more grateful that she settled for me every day.

Mysterious Ways

2008-12-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Christmas can bring miracles.

Oi to the punks

2008-12-23T23:10:00.000-08:00

We have no children, but we do have a lemon tree. We thought that he would be a good starting point. His name is Larry, and so far the experiment has been going well. He likes sun, warm, and water. He has also started to bud into blossoms. Oh great, here comes puberty. It's going to be kind of awkward when we have to have the upcoming 'birds and the bees' talk with Larry. I don't know how well he's going to take the fact that there are no birds or bees for trees that grow indoors.

We (me) decided to open Larry's presents early this year as he will be left home over the holiday. The Redhead decided to give him a hand with his presents, as he only has branches. Up first, a thermometer. Now we can see when it drops below 65.

He also received a moisture meter in the form of a yellow toucanish bird. Maybe that will lessen the blow of not having real bird friends.

Here's the Redhead and Larry posing with his presents.

And here's the Redhead telling Larry about the greatness of the new moisture meter. Wherever you may be this holiday season, have some nog in our honor. Cheers.

Price is Right Update

2008-12-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

I found some new info on the perfect Price is Right bid -

"Before everybody starts bashing Drew, let me give you a little insight as to why he was so not excited. There was an obsessive fan in the audience (a member of a particular TPiR fansite) who has managed to memorize just about every prize given away on the show."

"This fan met Terry and proceeded to give him every bid for the show - Terry got his item to come up on stage exactly right, lost his pricing game (admittedly the fan’s fault), and got the perfect bid for the showcase from this particular fan."

"Before the showcase’s price was revealed, there was a 15-45 minute stop down. Standards & Practices wanted to review the show and its audience to make sure nothing fishy was going on. Drew was informed as to what was going on and knew Terry had made a perfect bid. In fact, according to some in the know, CBS wasn’t even going to air this episode!"

So essentially, some crazed fan gave all the right answers to some chump that got on stage, and cheated the show. I don't really know what to say.

No Campaigning in the Dirt Trails

2008-12-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually one to make a list of presents, or even offer suggestions that aren't jokes, but I think that everyone should check out this website. Spend some time with it and click the spray bottle a few times to see what pops up. And remember, it may be too late for Christmas, but my birthday is right around the corner. After that you should get it for me just for the hell of it, and to tell people 'so, I bought some BBQ scented cologne the other day.' See how that conversation ends.

It looks like we are just a few steps away from our goal of air fresheners that smell like meat. Progress is coming. Barriers are being torn down. Perhaps in the coming months we can organize a day where we all call work and say that we can't come in because we ate too much meat. We have to stand up.

The Price is Right

2008-12-18T11:28:00.001-08:00

This is completely in honor of Ricky. And a little bit in honor of Jonny, but Rick pointed it out.

Who would throw a perfectly good hide-a-bed sofa into a campus dumpster?

2008-12-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

Since there are no football teams in the area, speaking of the NFL or course, fans here are basically left to their own designs. Some choose the Broncos because they are on TV every Sunday afternoon. Some chose (notice the past tense there, no one cheers for them now) the 49ers because of Steve Young or Jerry Rice. Some choose the Cowboys because deep down they are criminals and think they can buy success. And then there are the various reasons that make up the rest. I have been a Steelers fan since the first time I played Tecmo Super Bowl on Sega Genesis. Something about taking a sweep left with Barry Foster on offense, and then coming back with a Greg Lloyd sack on defense. They had me hooked.

Somewhere along the way I was given a Cleveland Browns hat. This was right about the time that they moved the team to Baltimore. I sympathized with the team, and decided that I should be one of their larger athletic supporters. Since the team has been back in the league, disappointment has ensued. There was a flash of brilliance last year, but now it's flickering out fast. I was dismayed to learn today that even the Cleveland police force is starting to rain on the parade of the loyal dawg pound fans.

That's right, cops are shutting down the guy that drives a couch to home games. Have we lost all respect for couch drivers? This is nonsense. A man that has fashioned his couch into a vehicle should be allowed to properly display his couch car. Seeing as I have a rich tradition of couch escapades - the dumpster, skiing one down Old Main Hill, frequent napping - I say that we need to stand up for the couch driver. This will not be tolerated. The case went to trial today and hopefully we can get a judgment in favor of fun.

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst - are you gonna drop the bomb or not

2008-12-12T21:31:00.000-08:00

What is the best way to handle a white elephant Christmas party? It could be for work, with neighbors, family, or friends. I have never really understood the premise of spending money on crappy products to give as presents that people don't want. Sometimes the humor is worth $5 or so, but a lot of folks don't even try to be humorous, they just buy crap. And has there ever been a white elephant party without a pair of underwear or something to do with poop or a toilet? The only poop jokes I like are when Nate makes reference to his stimulating experiences.

The Redhead's work had a party tonight and I went with my old fallback, a signed picture of myself. Since the large majority of people don't know her, let alone me, it went over pretty well. I think the girl that got it is still trying to figure out who in the hell I am and why I'm sending her 'best wishes.' Overall the presents were disappointing. We ended up with a $10 gift card to Victoria's Secret, and that was about the best gift available. Any ideas to make these parties less painful?

I'm a cowboy

2008-12-07T22:11:00.001-08:00

I have a list of things that I want to accomplish in my life. Some may think of them as goals. I was always taught that you should make goals, but I have never had enough interest or attention to "reach" goals, so I stopped setting them long ago. My list is unknown to almost everyone. I have parts of it written down that I once showed Scott, as he didn't believe me that learning yoga was on my list. That one has subsequently been changed to learning yoga, and then being a yogaist on the creepy morning yoga show on the Oxygen channel.

The Redhead especially can never know the full gamut of my list. She would likely mock me, possibly leave me, and assuredly tell stories about me to the girls at work. I often get occasion to complete my list, and the results are usually spectacular. I have greatly enjoyed seeing Snoop Dogg in concert, taking a date to an ultimate fighting event, fishing the Berry in late November, and being interviewed as a 'local commuter' on KSL. A few weeks back I was able to knock off another dream... deep frying my first turkey.

First, I want to let everyone know that I did not burn the house down. It really isn't too big of a deal to fry the turkey, just be smart about it. I was nervous however, and I put the turkey in before the oil was at peak temperature just in case.

Those are those really thin reversible gloves to make sure I didn't burn myself. I pulled out all the safety stops.

Just getting my boil on as they say. A couple neighborhood dogs came over, but I splashed them with boiling oil and scared them off. Anyone who knows where we live will realize the improbability of that last statement. The smell was spectacular though, and it reinforced my belief that we need car fresheners that smell like cooked meat.

Here's the final product. The outside looked good and the inside was moist and delicious. The turkey only added to the absolute glory that was Gluttonfest '08. It was seriously one of the best meals I've eaten. Another dream marked off. And all it took was 10 bottles of canola oil.

Genetics vs. Environment

2008-12-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

I snore occasionally. It usually happens when I am really tired from school/work/watching sports on TV. I could also stand to lose 20 pounds in order to get back to fighting weight. The more the Redhead exercises, the less I want to join her. Can't we have an average weight between us?

The Redhead takes it upon herself to wake me up when I snore. It is one of the most irritating things in the world to be poked awake as if there is some kind of emergency, only to hear 'you're snoring.' Here I am, finally able to get some sleep, resting peacefully, and she starts jabbing at me to inform me that she's being inconvenienced. On the off chance that we have a child one day, I am going to jab the hell out of her to inform her that the baby is crying and needs to be fed. Ah sweet revenge, nature's way.

Apparently last night she woke me up again. She told me I was snoring, and I told her 'I wish I married a deaf girl instead of you.' I don't have much recollection of the event since I was in my second REM cycle of the evening, but she reminded me tonight. I was pretty impressed that I had such a comeback for her, since I was probably dreaming about the new KFC Guitar Hero Fully Loaded Box Meal. It's comforting to know that I would renege on my marriage for a decent night of sleep.

When your chips are down

2008-12-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

I often contemplate what makes me happy and fulfilled. I've had a pretty decent streak lately, and hopefully you have too. I returned to the native land of the Shoshone-Bannock people to take part in the 2nd Annual Blackfoot Electric Light Parade/Bonfire/Hot Chocolate Fiesta. The parade had previously been on hiatus for several years due to one of the electric light floats catching on fire. It was a sad year, but the parade really lit up the night sky. I was especially impressed this year with the float that used small children decorated in lights as props. Very creative.

I am finally looking forward to a Gonzaga team that can fulfill it's promise. I know that Jonny will point out that they will always choke in the end, but I have the Bulldogs and he has his Mavericks. I have been looking forward to my birthday since last year, as Gonzaga comes to SLC to play Utah. I told the Redhead I would handle my birthday present this year, her presence at the game is purely optional.

Speaking of Jonny, this season has been a complete disaster for me in fantasy football. The Cornballers looked good on paper, but have continued to disappoint me week after week. This week brought a small ray of positivity. I've learned over the years that no matter how bad of a season your team has, if you can beat your rival, you step a little higher. Jonny is that rival. He is the Grambling to my Southern. The Kimmy Gibler to my Uncle Jesse. The Mountain Dew to my Surge. Beating him by 0.8 points this week helped me see that my season wasn't completely lost.

I'm proud of the Redhead for finishing her Tori Spelling book, sTori Telling. She even let me read a selection to her out loud. Donna will always have a place in my 90210. I was sad to learn that she dies at the end of the book.

I was also very happy to hang out with the Degraaffs on Thanksgiving night. They are almost more family to me than my own family. The only bad part was that the Golden Retriever puppy Toby couldn't stay longer. We did leave the house with a boatload of Jones soda. And, Alicia even made a joke about Mane 'n Tail shampoo. There is absolutely nothing I like more in the world than a good joke about Mane 'n Tail: The horse shampoo for people.

In closing, here is a greak link that my brother sent to me. Who says that prayers aren't answered? And to top it all off, the Redhead and I paid $1.39 per gallon of gas tonight. Savings like that will definately end up in a Wendover trip.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

2008-12-01T15:56:00.001-08:00

Years from now these kids can say that their most embarrassing moment was when they were Rickrolled while riding a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And we top it all with a fried egg

2008-11-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

Any tips on deep frying a turkey? Can I stuff it with bacon and have the bacon as the stuffing side dish?

And though we part

2008-11-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

The end of Alaskan senator Bruce Banner Jr. is upon us. Orrin Hatch just inched his way up to number two. I thought that it was appropriate to share my all-time favorite clip from the Daily Show. This is about the best link I could find. The video is about 5 minutes long, but the best part is near the end, so stick with it.

Don't worry, I already licked the needle

2008-11-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

I am certified to give immunizations. I can legally stick folks with a needle. In fact, the above photo is a composite of me and the guy that plays Randy on My Name is Earl dressed in a red cardigan. In some ways it is sort of fun. Right now we have the big flu shot rush, and get several people each day that willingly come in to get stuck. I swab their arm, stick in the needle, put on a band aid and call it good. My clientele has somewhat surprised me. It harkens back to memories of working as the assistant to the photo manager at the Walgrin's. At first I thought that it would be great sorting through people's pictures - surely only attractive people would bring their photos to me. Not so. However, I did build a following of large Hispanic girls that I saw in way too much of their glory.

Most of the folks that come in to get flu shots are older - ofttimes I wonder if there is enough arm on the old ladies to inject the needle all the way. Today I had a delightful older couple come in to get their shots. As we chatted they informed me that they have a chiropractor son. They told me that he continually warns them against getting flu shots or other vaccines as our bodies don't need any of that extra junk. I just listened to them as they talked, and they soon let me know that they have been ignoring his advice for the past 25 years. The lady said that she had come to terms with it by just not telling him, and in the 25 years she has never had the flu.

Say what you will about vaccines and chiropractors too. Medicine isn't perfect, and I think there are plenty of opponents to both sides. But do chiropractors really need to attack vaccines? Don't they have a hard enough time gaining their own credibility in the medical community? Maybe this is just the pot calling the kettle black. Until further resolution, I will continue to support vaccines as I get paid to do so. Beyond everything else, I wanted a proper forum to display this photo I found online.

I'm the brains, you're the looks, Frank's the muscle, Charlie's the wildcard, and Sweet Dee's the useless chick

2008-11-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

Hybrids seem to be taking a prominent role in our society. The All-New Ford Escape, the pluot (plum/apricot), frolf, Canada (Britain/France), and now the Goldendoodle. I present the ultimate in hybrid dog technology. Some may argue that the Puggle is the peak of the dog world, but do Puggles look like they just got a really bad perm? Can they be service dogs for the blind? And just how good are they at pool-sharking?

In other news, is it wrong to make a four-year-old cry? Some would say yes, and some would ask just how much of the child's Halloween candy I ate. I felt like it was a retalitory blow that I had to make, after the Redhead nearly lost it while watching him during extended church, read her own words on the subject.

And finally, how good is a chicken, egg, and cheese biscuit at the Chick-fil-A? The only word to describe it is terrifalicious. (This is ironic because earlier I spoke of hybrids and now I am bringing this full circle with a hybrid word. This is the art of being a cliche writer - giving a clue to the reader on what is coming up. It's also clever, and the joke is much better now that it has been drawn out and explained in great detail.) This breakfast sandwich ranks up there with number 6 on the Burger King menu, and the Wendy's burritos. Sometimes I save the bag to remember the smell throughout the day.

Dream Big

2008-11-01T07:53:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it is just time to pass. Obviously, this man knew that his work here on earth was finished and that there was no way he was going to be able to do anything else that would take him closer to perfection. I feel like the league should change their name to honor him.

The Back-Up

2008-10-30T11:14:00.001-07:00

I think you have to ask yourself, 'self, will this hold a rifle as well, or is it better suited for just the shotgun?'

The time has come to say fair's fair

2008-10-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

This story has inspired me to finally make the announcement. History has proven that I share of love of contests, challenges, and dares involving foods with those surrounding me. The lists are long and interesting. The gallon of milk, eating the crayon, the waffle eating contest, the spoonful of bacon grease, vomiting after eating Winger's endless sticky fingers, Gluttonfest, and many, many others. Despite this, or perhaps because of her imperfect knowledge of this, I managed to marry a personal trainer. This next one may put that into question.
I present the Norman Sharp Memorial Triathlon. This all-day event is loosely based on similar triathlon events like the Ironman, and the Disney Afternoon featuring the trifecta of Gummi Bears, Ch-ch-ch-Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers, and Tale Spin. The event is a memorial not because Norm has died, but so that he can more fully enjoy the entire spectrum of a memorial event named in his honor. He received naming rights since the idea was pirated from his arsenal.

Here's the breakdown. Contestants meet up on a Saturday morning for a weigh-off. Ideally we would get those cattle scales that jump up and down like the Biggest Loser, but we'll probably settle for the Wii Fit board. Each contestant will change into their official weighing outfit and have their weight recorded. From here, the contest begins with a trip to the Golden Corral for their weekend breakfast buffet. Following their meal, contestants will rest up and prepare themselves for the second leg of their journey, the Chinese Gourmet on 45th and State where the Showbiz Pizza used to be located. After lunch, contestants will get ready for the homestretch, a homestyle dinner at the Chuck-a-rama - where you can get both Coke AND Pepsi. It's the place where you never have to settle, everyone can agree. After dinner, contestants will return to the original weigh-in location and change into their official weighing outfit. They will be judged on sheer number of pounds gained in the day, and percentage of weight gained.

Three buffets. One day. Ideally we will have t-shirts made up with some type of slogan. When I've explained this to people, I usually get the 'is that healthy?' question. And the answer is yes. Any type of competition that builds confidence and self-esteem is healthy. Others ask 'can I come watch?' And the answer again is yes. Contestants will definitely need support crew to help them get through the day. Do people win the Tour de France by themselves? No, they have performance enhancing drugs to help them. Anymore, you can't do it alone. We'll need to rely on others to get our plates, flirt with servers, and drive us home without hitting bumps. The details are not yet hammered out, but the basis is there. Those interested can just leave a comment in order to secure a spot in contestant's row. Also any ideas to improve the event will be welcome - as Creed taught us, with arms wide open.

The Snuggie

2008-10-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

I promise this is the best two minutes you will spend all day.

Such a loud voice calling

2008-10-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever walk through the supermarket and look at the enormous cuts of meat, and think to yourself, 'self, who would buy that?' And the answer is me. I have been eyeballing the pork loin for some months now, and the other day upon noticing my gaze, the Redhead questioned 'how would we even cook that?' My unspoken reply was how would I not cook that. I envisioned a large smoker/BBQ with the length to allow me to keep it whole, but the smoking potential to allow me to also prepare some bacon simultaneously as an appetizer. But that day, it was not to be.

Then, she slipped and let me go to the store by myself. She should have learned by now. If I look hungry and go out to the store, the results will not be good. I couldn't help myself, as the loin just consumed me. I had to have it. The bagger said 'well this meat is too big for me to bag, so I'm not even going to try.' I didn't like that. Anyone that buys meat that big should get a special novelty bag. If you get a bumper sticker for Cleaning The Sink at Angie's (where the locals eat), shouldn't you get a similar reward in this situation? For now, my BBQ dream is still a dream, so I had to cut up the loin into four gorgeous roasts. It was all I could do to not eat them raw. Trichinosis be damned. In fact, I am cooking an unrelated loin as we speak. The call of pork is loud my friends. And the subsequent flavor is a little piece of heaven soaked in sauce.

I also passed the new Fruit by the Foot flavors that basically purchased themselves. If the brothers Berry, Franken and Boo, endorse anything, the chances are I will buy it. Unfortunately Franken's flavor just tastes like normal red. It still makes me happy to pull out a pack in the middle of class and offer those around me 'like six inches or so? I've got three feet here man.' Count Chocula was apparently not included in the latest marketing campaign. Last I heard on TMZ was that he was negotiating a contract with all chocolate Oreos. We'll have to see.

I love the Uintas.

I am the Pumpkin King

2008-10-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

My brother instilled a deep love of large pumpkins in me. Last fall we had at least 400 pounds on our porch. This year I thought I would cut back a little and just plant a few giant pumpkin plants. I thought that I could focus my energy on raising two or three, and that way I would have more success. The plants took off, and were growing several inches in height each day. Then, like cornbread from the Frontier Pies, they were gone. In some ways I blame my housemate. I think that she knew that the pumpkins would get more attention than she would, so she poisoned them with spray butter. Many people don't know that the zero-calorie treat is also a particularly potent herbicide. Regardless, I have to oil things up, pull up my bootstraps, and plow some new rows for next year's pumpkins. It should be a bumper crop.

A legacy in gold

2008-09-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Redhead says that a beard makes me look 50 years old. I tend to vehemently disagree. I feel that the receding hairline, the double chin covered by the beard, and getting winded going up a flight of stairs makes me look 50 years old. Regardless, the sidebeard shot is clearly the best of all beard shots. It screams 'hey, look how high up on my cheek the hair grows.' And speaking of beards, give this guy a gander. You need to spend at least 10 minutes there to fully appreciate the genius.

I have also been tinkering with my pie making recently. It is pie month at the Marie Callender's. The problem is that all the pies are now $6.99. We bought one the other day (double cream blueberry), and it really wasn't that great. It was probably an anomaly, but I need to have backup pie sources. The other thing that bothers me is that they no longer carry the 'sour cream' line of pies. They are now 'double cream.' The guy there told me that this was due to marketing. I think that this is disgusting. Marie Callender doesn't need to market. She needs to be barefoot in the kitchen making me some delicious pot pie.

Maybe I just need a break from Marie for a while. I tried to get a fresh peach pie for the $6.99, but the guy told me it was 'like 15 bucks man.' Unacceptable. I decided to make my own fresh peach pie. The filling was a little strong on the cinnamon, but the leftovers made for a wonderful breakfast delite. The Redhead was angry because I swiped it before she could steal it first. I think I may even add it to my repetoir of sweet potato, caramel apple, and buttermilk lemon. Marie's only possesion that I truly covet is her whipped cream machine. I am looking for Back to Basics to come out with something comparable here soon.

Thank you Lord for Ziggy comics

2008-09-21T23:19:00.001-07:00

Woman named Bacon wins Idaho hog-calling title

1 hour, 54 minutes ago

LEWISTON, Idaho - Jolee Bacon really sizzles when it comes to hog-calling.

The northern Idaho woman took first place Saturday in the competition at the Nez Perce County Fair.

She has raised several champion pigs for 4-H contests. Bacon says she calls pigs every morning and night with her 9-year-old daughter, Jacey.

Bacon won the crown over as she started her hog call with a few loud snorts and a long, drawn-out "sooey."

___

Information from: Lewiston Tribune, http://www.lmtribune.com

I have participated in many absurd contests over the years. Hog calling has never been one of them. I am happy that someone with a proper surname won the contest. I have also become inclined to name a child or animal Jacey Bacon, as the first and middle names. It has a ring to it. Certain names just create magic. Denny's Grand Slam. Arsenio Hall. Dick Butkus. Jacey Bacon has that type of potential.

Who did this to my son?

2008-09-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

We have been bantering the idea of paintball around for some time now. We have decided that Saturday October 4 is the day, as long as we can get enough people. There is an old abandoned gas station off of I-80 where we have played before, or out in the area close to Cedar Fort. It would be during the mid-morning, and then we could have a BBQ or whatever after. All are invited, and I think we'll probably need around 10-12 to make it fun. The sooner we have enough commitments, the sooner we can order some paint balls to make it cheaper. We want all the Logan folk (Rob, Ryan, Jed, etc.), Ogden folk (Nate, etc.), Utah County folk (Scott), and SL County folk (Spew, D-Rock, Jonny, Quincy, Nick, Billy, Jay, Dumont, Tyler, Newman, Boy, Eric Lott, etc.). If you weren't mentioned we still really want you to come. It seems as though anything we do has potential to end poorly, but hilariously, so you won't want to miss out. Leave a comment if you are willing and interested.

Dance Off - Charlie Vs. Dennis

2008-09-16T20:15:00.001-07:00

Wait for it... Thursday night.

Redemption

2008-09-08T19:37:00.001-07:00

Lest you think that I have fallen victim to the Redhead's horrible, horrible ways of eating right and exercising every day, I bring you !Que Bueno! (the first exclamation point isn't upside down to emphasize that the product is far from Mexican) Jonny and I have huge plans for this football season. Football is the greatest of all seasons. The weather has a slight chill, the leaves begin to turn, and maybe even some snow flies if you play in the right stadium.

The first order of business was to properly stock up on necessary supplies, like 3 kilograms of processed nacho cheese. Notice that the manufacturers are not screwing around and weighing things in pounds. They went straight for the kilo. Last time I checked, cocaine and nacho cheese are only available in kilo form. Next up on the list was 7 pounds of corn dogs. We like our corn dogs baked in these parts. It affords the right crunch, and keeps me from singeing my hand hair on a deep fryer.
Now all we need are the beverages, and it's on. I am looking forward to a season without Tom Brady, a renewed Ditkaesque defense in Chicago, Hines Ward laying out folks with blocks, and the Cowboys inevitably not living up the the lofty expectations of Jonny. And that's just the NFL. Don't get me started with college. Next week we have our first decent games of the season, and we can't wait. Where is the Redhead during all this? Usually complaining. Any ideas to keep her busy for the next 5 months? There are only so many old wedding dresses to look at on Craigslist.

There was no party, there were no songs

2008-09-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

I was never really into the fair scene. Be it state, county, city, health, or school fair, I have never been too involved. There was one year at the county fair that Blackhawk preformed, and Scott asked for help in winning some tickets. I somehow got D-Rock and Billy to listen to KSOP 'Today's Hot Country' all day to win tickets. It ended up that Scott couldn't go, so D-Rock and I rocked out with the band to such classics as 'Goodbye Says it All' and I think they did one about the rain, but that may have been Clint Black. Anyway, by the end of the show I think we had both decided that if we ever wanted to fulfill our lifelong dream of being sex symbols for repressed middle-aged women, we'd have to start a country band, grow flowing mullets, and crank out some ballads about weather/breaking up/leaving/simple living/dying love.
All of that held true until I met the wonders of the Eastern Idaho State Fair. It is really a place where the wearing of a shirt and pants shows true ambition. And that applies mainly to the carnies. I just can't get enough of the sheep in their sheep-fits. I really want to bedazzle one next year and see how it goes over with the judges. This year there was a real push to encourage hand washing after the e. coli outbreak of '07. I am also constantly astounded by the amount of things that you can fry. Moreso by the amount of people that will eat whatever you fry, while surrounded by sweaty people, a dusty wind, and livestock. This year I abstained from the fried turkey legs, tigers ear scones, sconenuggets, fried corndogs, fried twinkies, fried candybars, and carmel/butter cinnamon rolls. I did partake in some huckleberry ice cream though. The volleyball girls in the ice cream barn were far too cute to ignore.

Cake

2008-09-05T10:11:00.001-07:00

Who knew they stopped by Porto Alegre. I don't know if I like the trumpet or the recorder device better, but I'm leaning towards the recorder. Anyone else still mad about the shoe throwing at the BASH circa 1999?

106 and Park

2008-08-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Politics are fascinating. Especially when you have one of the most powerful men in Eastern Idaho at your beck and call. But how do you stay informed? New York Times? BBC Online? MSNBC? Heaven forbid FOX News? As for me and my household, we'll get our coverage from BET thank you very much. It's really the only place where you can get in depth analysis and comparisons to Michael Jordan and Jackie Robinson. I also learned that our country's defense will never be in question if a black man from the South side of Chicago is running things. As long as we get our Crystal Pepsi back I'll be happy.

Why can't I find my Brown album?

2008-08-28T20:16:00.001-07:00

We had our first annual Norm day last weekend. Jonny, Tim, Archie, D-Rock, and I first got together for some lunch at Joe's. Two hours, and two family meals later, D-Rock and I stopped by the Savers to get some new/used shirts for Norm. We picked out a couple that Mrs. Norm may find questionable. It's always nice to do a pop in at Savers, but I would appreciate it if they had a hand sanitation station set up at the door to stop the spread of disease.

Later, we met up at the Riverbend for some golf. D-Rock was injured, but somehow powered through, while Jonny and Tim battled for mediocre supremecy. Why was this a Norm day? Basically because if you had a time machine in the form of a Delorean, and went back 10 years or so, you would find us doing the exact same things. We find happiness in the simplistic mundane. The only thing we missed out on was a shake from the Vincent Drug, and Norm trying to shortchange cashiers.

Right Now, there's no tomorrow.

2008-08-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

My favorite Columbian Gnome brought this to my attention a little earlier. I want to find that lone protester and buy him whatever he wants. This made me laugh more than anything in a month - outside of D-Rock's dead-on James Hetfield laugh while singing 'Enter Sandman' on Rock Band. I would pay money to hear him do it again.

Free Love Freeway

2008-08-26T20:17:00.001-07:00

Actually, this version has a better overall song. Can anyone make this into a guitar hero download for me?

She's dead! She's not dead.

2008-08-26T20:12:00.001-07:00

I was working the drive-thru at work tonight, and I helped a guy driving a minivan. He was with his wife, but I was only talking to him. As I thanked him for coming in, for some reason I stopped short of saying 'thanks guys,' and said a very pronounced 'thanks guy.' He sort of looked at me as if he was flattered but not interested. I tried to cover up by saying 'thank you sir' or something. I was taken back to David Brent and Tim's misunderstanding about the cowboy that 'sounds a bit gay.' At least I didn't call him bud.

Kneeboarding Routine

2008-08-21T01:58:00.001-07:00

This is probably the best kneeboarding video ever produced. If you listen closely, you can hear Jonny yell out 'air high five!' when we go out of the wake on opposite sides. Lake Whatcom will never be the same.

Uinta Magic

2008-08-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

My brother Marcos and I took his boys fishing the other day in the Uintas. We hijacked a truck and drove to one of our favorite lakes. This was the boys first time out fishing, and I'd say they did quite well.
It was a half-dozen that we ended up keeping, but we were seeing action all day.
Murdock Peak graced us with a worthy backdrop.
We hiked over to a nearby lake to see a small waterfall. We stopped to purify some water from the stream below the waterfall with my new water filter. The boys said they thought the water tasted pretty good.
Jacob paused for a short nap/rest on a log. The only failure of the trip was that the Hi-Mountain Drug wasn't open since the pharmacist takes off Thursdays, so we went without the traditional ice cream cones. Maybe we'll have to go back up to make up for it.

Kilroy

2008-08-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

We went to the Experience Music Project and Science Fiction Hall of Fame in Seattle. I thought the Experience Music Project was cool and hip. They had a big Jimi Hendrix section with videos, music, pictures, and even one of his old suits he used to wear. I don't think the Redhead was as interested, but I could have stayed there for most of the day. They also had a section where you could fool around with real instruments. I tried my hand at mixing and matching beats, and the Redhead and I tried out the singing/microphone section with a pretty fantastic rendition of 'I Will Remember You' by Sarah McGlock-lin.

The Science Fiction Hall of Fame was even more spectacular. The sweaty'n'oily teenage guys at the doors taking tickets took time away from World of Warcraft to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The Hall had a special limited edition display of robots and even painted the lyrics to the second best Styx song, Mr. Roboto, on the wall. (I'm sorry, but 'Lady' just hits the right spots.) I don't think we got the full appreciation of the Science Fiction Hall of Fame due to limited D&D experience. On the way out I found a poster of Pitch Black and had to take a picture for Nate. It took me back to Andy Anderson's soothing voice as we learned to come to a full appreciation of human anatomy. Sorry about the quality, but we took it with my camera phone, and in all actuality, this picture fits very well with the ambiance of the movie.

He's got a gold watch, she's got a silk dress

2008-08-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

The Redhead is a far better person than I am. She is constantly trying to better herself by exercising more, eating better, reading, doing healthy things, etc. I have been on a steady decline since the summer of 5th grade going into 6th. I had just competed in the 1993 Utah State Geography Bee, and had basically topped out in my life. It's been a gradual slope downward ever since. It's just something you come to live with, and you learn to tune out people like the Redhead and her healthy ways. Until those certain days come around.
No one is perfect, and the more you hang out with people that are really far from being perfect, the more you slip into their despair. I have professed my love for Hostess Raspberry Filled Donuts on several occasions. I have noticed that my box has been disappearing faster than usual lately, and the other day I caught the perpetrator.
She not only slipped up, but she was doing it by eating a donut by stabbing it with a knife. She is also under the impression that if you just take bites of things, they aren't as bad for you. The thing is that even a small bite of these donuts can clog the healthiest of arteries.
Ah, the famous 'just because you're taking a picture of me doesn't mean I am not going to enjoy this' pose. I guess the workout she just completed has been nullified. It does frighten me somewhat that she is still holding the knife.
Is that a touch of guilt in those blue eyes? This just goes to prove that no one can resist a delicious box of heaven forever. And that I need to hide my treats by putting them on the shelves that she can't reach.

My fledgling economic property boom

2008-08-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

I watched an ice cream truck go down the street today playing Christmas songs. The Mexican guy driving acknowledged me with the head nod as if to apologize for destroying my solace. It made me want to get my own truck. The ideal place for an ice cream truck would be Eagle Mountain. For those of you outside of the Yewtah, it is a small bedroom community that is far away from everything on the west side of Utah Lake where hell used to be raised with campin'/drinkin'/shootin'/huntin'. I have had a strong distaste for the town ever since I went to their Pony Express Days to see Peter Breinholt and fireworks. Peter was amazing as always - the man can do no wrong. The fireworks on the other hand were canceled due to high winds. I may not be Mark Eubank, but those winds were not over 10 mph. Very disappointing.

The plan is simple. I buy a van. I buy some ice cream. I buy a speaker. I buy one of those CDs of primary songs. I head to Eagle Mountain. I think the children population is large enough out there to find my target husky kid population. And think about it for a minute, what husky kid mother would not allow their kid to buy overpriced ice cream from the 'primary van' guy? They may pay me to just show up at parks and remind their kids to remember to hum their favorite hymn. I honestly think this idea would work here, and I'm sad that D-Rock hasn't tried it yet.

I smile and it's a rainbow

2008-08-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

I spent the last few days up in the King's Peak area. It was pretty spectacular other than I didn't go to the peak due to time restraints. The people I went with were staying Monday to Friday and I had to come out Wednesday morning. Hiking out alone was awesome. I did have to keep looking behind me to make sure I wasn't Michael Douglas in The Game. It was great until I passed a couple and said hi, to which they promptly ignored me. They suck, and I'm pretty sure that the guy in the Hawaiian shirt isn't getting anywhere in life or on the trail. Maybe they were foreign.
I've always had a deep-rooted love of butterflies and flowers. Maybe it stems from my attraction to pollen, I'm not quite certain.
This is Cliff Lake, just a little above Lake Blanchard. I was assuming that since it is out of the way that there would be numerous gigantic fish waiting to meet me. I learned again that when you assume things you usually don't catch fish. Still, it was pretty cool to have 12,000+ foot cliffs around the lake. I bet the other lakes are jealous, and at lake family reunions Cliff Lake is the cool relative from out-of-town that everyone wants to talk to.
I indeed catch some fish. They were happy to chomp on a few of my spinners, and I in turn let them go for some scout troop to catch and mangle.
And I gave that up to come home to mow the lawn, water the old man's garden, and sit in a hot house and stare at the Redhead. Priorities can just kick ass some times.

Would you like to ford the river?

2008-08-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

You may notice that there is a reference to remembering the Oregon Trail on the right side of the screen. This link is to the illustrious Heather and Jay - some of the bitchin'est people I know. It is also a way for me to remember the greatness of the Oregon Trail video game. I worked at an elementary school for a time when I was younger as an after school sweeper. Hey, not all of us could be Tracy Gold and star in after school specials. For some reason they trusted us to lock up the school after everyone had gone. Did they expect us to not stay after and play Oregon Trail on the computers? C'mon!

Many people only remember the hunting. That's fine. It was amazing. Taking down a slow moving buffalo on a green screen was exhilarating and I will not dispute that. Personally, I liked the challenge of warding off Indian attacks, wagon fires, getting lost, trading for new wagon tongues and axles, and deciding whether to be a banker to start with $1600 dollars or a farmer to start with $400. I loved talking to people along the trail. I especially loved setting the pace to grueling and the rations to meager in order to get to Chimney Rock and Fort Bridger before the snow. And who could forget trying to float down the river to get to Oregon?

It's about damn time that we pressure those television fat cats to bring out an Oregon Trail reality show. The Real Oregon Trail. People start in St. Louis and have to get to Oregon by wagon. We strategically place obstacles along the trail. Indians, buffalo, dysentery... they're all there. We collect 8 families of five to try and finish the competition. They get to choose what profession and money they start with, and if they finish without all dying, their prize is increased accordingly if they started with less money. There is no downside to this show. We could even allow the audience to vote for what disease affects which family. ABC can thank me with a royalty check.

I'd also like to invite a few sponsors to join the show, and use some suggestive tag lines. Pontiac and the all new Vibe. 'Whether you take the Oregon Trail, or just the trail home. We'll be there for your ride.' Apple. 'Your home to entertainment for life.' Terry's Wagon Works @ www.terryswagonworks.com. 'Bringing parts of history to you.' Also I thought that we could work in Pringles and maybe a montage of the Burger King in Oregon Trail clothing.

Working Double Time on the Seduction Line

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

For as much as I complain about the Redhead being a mean wife, sometimes she's not too bad. Tonight she let me have popsicles for dinner with no shirt on because it was so hot. Actually, now that I think of it, I was changing shirts and decided I wanted a popsicle so I just got one. Then she came home and I decided to have a second. They are fruit bars though, so they must have some type of health benefit. And when I say that she let me, I mean that there was minimal freak out about the ordeal. At times I think we walk a fine line in our marriage.

I love the above picture of me and Sarah's Mom. I think this picture sums up perfectly our personalities. I am the loudmouth with strange body hair patterns, and Sarah's Mom always has her eyes closed in pictures. The best part of the picture is Boy in the background looking hot. What a champion of the universe. Boy makes every party a little better. He is 11 on the amps.

Now just a quick update on Taco Bell's latest ad campaign. As has been previously stated, if I hear about it on the TV or radio, I will want to eat it. I have been craving a Queso Crunchwrap from the folks at the Bell for some time now. I was thwarted in my first attempt when the kid at the drive-thru in Rivertown informed me that the wait would be 15-20 minutes. I said thanks, but Arby's won't make me wait. I then decided to try the lunch rush in South Salt Lake. Unbelievably, the wait was still 15 minutes. The Queso Crunchwrap was not that good. I prefer the other crunchwrap cousins. I am super excited about the return of the 79, 89, 99 all night long promotion. I still love the Del Taco, but Taco Bell is creeping it's way up on my list of deliciousness. I think it is also creeping up on the Redhead's list of places to sue when I die prematurely of complications due to metabolic syndrome.

Shpadoinkle Day

2008-07-22T17:50:00.001-07:00

I promise I'll always look this good

2008-07-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

As usual the 7-11 holiday was fantastic. I went with a cherry + pina colada mix. The Redhead had something, and Candy the Candle also indulged. Candy is what we consider to be a practice child. D-Rock gave him to the Redhead for her birthday, and he's still hanging in there. Not only is he a laugh riot to hang out with, he also scares off intruders and stray cats by waving around like he just don't care.

Do You Right

2008-07-11T13:58:00.001-07:00

You're wasting our time, there's nothing on this island but sheep and rocks!

2008-07-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's finally here. We are saving the date to see it with Rob. I can't guarantee I won't go tomorrow morning though... Anyway, here are the preliminaries.

Mountain Dew Slurpee

2008-07-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow. All 7-11 locations. Free Slurpee. Get there early and take a photo.